I'm not angry or anything at the moment. like i'm actually happy
but today i was at the mall with my mom and my dad.
they're divorced. before, my dad wasn't happy about the divorce. he was sad
he missed my mom he was miserable. and seeing him like that made me miserable too because i missed him and my mom being together

i know that their relationship while they were married was farrrr from functional. it was actually really really terrible. but like still... sometimes i wish that they would've just stayed together

sometimes i wish that my dad wasn't the way he was. maybe then my mom wouldn't of had a shitty life. maybe my brother would be different. maybe my sister wouldn't have to pretend to be so tough and independent.

i bet you don't know half of the shit i've been through. i'm definitely not boosting about it but i feel that i've been through a lot. it's been happening all my life. maybe this is the reason i act the way i act? i dont really know

people take advantage of the little things, like your parents sleeping peacefully every night. or having everyone in the family at home. or eating dinner as a family. or seeing your parents have a little laugh.

i hardly ever had that. or i actually don't see that anymore.

why couldn't i be part of a functional family? with parents who love each other forever and ever? why is there always yelling in the house? why does my mom have to leave? why do we have to leave? why is he throwing things? why is the police always involved? when will it stop?
^ the questions that were going through my head at like 7 years old...

everything is different now obviously, but it's so sad. i still cry about it all the time. because i can't spend the holidays with both my parents at the same time. or because i didn't have that "normal childhood". my parents would fight on the daily! and it would be really serious, sometimes too much to handle. and my dad would say and do really mean things to me. and my mom. and my sister. and my brother.

when i found out my mom had a bf i was happy for her but at the same time i was sad. something in my mind thought that my parents were gonna get back together. i wanted her to be happy, but i wanted my dad to me happy too.

my dad didn't know about her bf, until he dropped me off at home one time and he saw my mom's boyfriend's car in the driveway. my dad's face was so sad. when i got in my room i cried my eyes out. it's like i know that he still had hope. and like, how much would it suck that the person you love was with someone else? it was obvious that my dad regretted everything in his life and he felt bad for everything he's done.

when i think about the bad stuff that happened in the past.. i just put it in the back of my mind. but i can't live in the past anymore.

i was at the mall with my mom and dad today, and my dad has a girlfriend now. i think that he's moved on.
when my mom and my dad were together today, it was peaceful. they were joking around
and hugging

why couldn't they just be like that when they were together? then they wouldn't of had to get divorced and we could all be happy.

when me and my mom went in the car, omg she started crying so hard. she was like "it's really over"
i got so confused, but i started crying too. because she said something that i already knew.
everything is really over. all their feelings for each other are gone.
and my mom was sad because she never thought she'd feel like that. she wished that they were happy like that when they were married too.
she wanted to have a happy family just as much as me.
but they're over. they're over.

my dad's happy , my mom's happy, so why can't i be happy with them? i guess i just haven't gotten over the fact that my parents will never be happy together again. i feel that without my dad, my house isn't a home. like there's no structure.
sometimes there isn't even anyone home to talk to.
i want a family like the ones in t.v. shows and movies. i can't have everything i want though.

everything happens for a reason. that's what i tell myself.